NO2ID campaigners performed a terrorist act at the new Home Office Interrogation Centre in Glasgow at lunchtime, Monday 26th March.

An official in uniform (East German Border Guard, if you are wondering) interrogated campaigners and passers-by and demanded that they jump through pointless bureaucratic hoops before adding their details to the stasi-like National Identity Register and deciding whether to issue them with identity documents or tag them as criminals.

Among those interrogated were campaigners acting as an old lady and a terrorist, some nearby clowns and passers-by. Green MSP Patrick Harvie also turned up to join in the fun. A couple of reporters turned up from BBC radio and Real radio, but declined to be interrogated, instead insisting on interviewing us. A couple of jolly policemen stood by while all this was happening, not interfering - even when the terrorist act was being performed! Of course, there are many police officers who are not too keen on ID cards. Many civil servants working inside the building are certainly opposed and signed our petition today.

The action was performed as part of NO2ID's national day of protests: ID Day. It was originally believed that this would be the day that the first interrogation centres would open for business, but either the Home Office were scared by our promised protests or their usual incompetence kicked in. Either way, it is likely to be a month or so before we have the opportunity to party outside a fully functioning interrogation centre.

Scene 1: Script for an old lady

I=Interrogator L=Old lady

I: Please sit down. [L sits] Now, may I have your supporting documents, please? [L hands him a sheaf of docs, which he shreds] You won't be needing those again. What's your name please, madam?

L: Edith Millicent Jenkins [or whatever]

I: Address?

L: [insert random address]

I: And all previous addresses?

L: Er, er...

I: Quickly now, we've got over 60 million of these interviews to do! What's your mother's maiden name?

L: Macauley.

I: And your father's date of birth?

L: Twelfth of May, 1905. Or was it 1906?

I: 1905, according to our records.

L: If you know that already, why are you asking me?

I: We just need to be sure that you are who you say you are, Mrs Johnson.

L: Jenkins!

I: Well, it says Johnson here. If you wish to update your information, that will cost you £100, but let me remind you that failure to do so is a criminal offence. Now, how long were your parents married?

L: Well, let me see, they were married in 1923, and my mother died in 1980, so that makes...

I: And what was the first school you attended?

L: Oh, I remember that. It was a lovely local school, and we had such fun...

I: The name, please, Mrs Johnson.

L: St Bartlemas'.

I: And where were you when Princess Diana died?

L: What?

I: Just eliminating suspects... Do you have any tattoos, birthmarks or distinguishing scars?

L: Well, I've got a birthmark on my stomach.

[I waits for more]

I: I'll need to photograph it.

[Very embarrassed, she lifts up her top to have it inspected.]

[I takes photo]

I: Hold out your hands, please, Mrs Johnson, I'd just like to take your fingerprints.

[He splodges ink all over her hands, then applies them to the "reader".]

I: Just scan that into the reader... They're a bit smudged, but it shouldn't matter. Oh, that's interesting - it seems you're wanted in connection with a mugging in 1973 on Clapham Common.

L: But I've never been to Clapham Common!

I: Hang on - it seems the suspect was male, six foot tall, and had a tattoo on his right forearm. May I see your forearm, ma'am?

[L shows forearm]

I: That seems to be in order.

I:now, stand up, please.

[L stands.]

I: Now, we just need to take a voiceprint; please recite "I'm a little teapot" into this [brandishes dictaphone].

L: [hesitantly] I'm a little teapot, short and stout...

I: With the actions, please.

L: I'm a little teapot, short and stout; here's my handle, here's my spout. When the tea is ready, hear me shout. Lift me up, and pour me out.

I: Now, please jump through this hoop.

[He takes out a big hula hoop. L climbs through it slowly.]

I: And this one.

[He takes out a smaller hula hoop. L climbs through it with more difficulty.]

I: and this one.

[He takes out a hoop that's much too small. She pulls it over her head, whereupon he pulls it tight (it had a cable tie inside), and attaches an ID card to the front. She should look very silly.]

I: Here's your new ID card, Mrs Johnson. If you ever have a problem with it, don't worry,we'll know exactly where you are and what you're doing.

L: But why do you need to know where I am and what I'm doing?

I: If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear, Mrs Johnson. Goodbye, now.

Scene 2: Script for a cheery terrorist

I=Interrogator T=Terrorist

[Enter Terrorist]

I: Have a seat, please. [T sits down] Name?

T: Mickey Mouse.

I: Are you sure?

T: My parents were big fans of Disney.

I: Address?

T: Number 2, Buckingham Palace. [long pause, quizzical look from I] Turkmenistan.

I: Previous address?

T: Cave 1207, Tora Bora, Afghanistan.

I: Date of birth?

T: 1st of April, 1922.

I: Where were you when Princess Diana died?

T: Chechnya.

I: As long as it's not Paris... What was the first school you attended?

T: St Trinian's. [another quizzical look and long pause] Turkmen campus.

I: Stand up, please.

[He goes through a tongue/teeth/fingerprint routine. The terrorist smiles throughout.]

I: Congratulations, Mr Mouse, here's your identity card.

T: Thank you, sir. With this, I shall enroll in flight school!

More photos are available on flickr.

Related

http://www.no2id.net

http://www.flickr.com/photos/7507098@N02/